Which NFL mascot would win in a fight? Although this may seem like a simple question, when you dig deep, it's anything but. For instance, a brown helmet would do very little offensively but would be very difficult to destroy completely... I mean, that thing was designed to protect players' brains, and as we know, it has had a perfect track record.
So today, we determine the 2023 ultimate mascot fighter. Instead of putting them all in a cage, we are doing this civilized with a tournament. Mascot seeding will be determined by their current NFL standings.
I know there will be some people upset with how mascots were seeded, but I felt like creating a power ranking for them would be too subjective and ultimately would reveal who I thought was going to win. The best mascot will be found, don't worry.
Round of 32:
Eagles vs. Texans:
What is a Texan? Just someone from Texas? If that's the case, that eagle is as good as dead. Easily. It feels like Texans are probably the reason we have eagle protection laws in place. Sure the eagle could do its best to fly away, but the second that eagle needs to take a rest... goodbye eagle. Texans move on.
Patriots vs. Jets:
This one is tough. We assume, based on the logo, the Patriots being referred to are the revolutionary war ones, which were some TOUGH dudes. Obviously, a Jet could crush a patriot... but they would, in the process, destroy themselves. Not to mention that scenario is only possible if the jet is sentient; the other scenario is that the jet is just the jet and, therefore, can't fly itself. I have the Patriots here.
Chargers vs. Raiders
There are few names that strike more fear than the Raiders... that being said, they're going against literal electricity. Now I'm sure against a lot of foes, the Raiders could take care of business, but electricity? That seems like an intellectual challenge that I do not believe the Raiders have the facilities for. One big ZAP and the Raiders are toast. Chargers move on.
Ravens vs. Saints
A small bird versus a passive spiritual man is not a matchup that sells out an arena. As uneventful as this fight might be, at least a raven would do something. Unless the bird was bashing Jesus, you can't imagine that the saint would want to fight. For that reason, the Ravens move on.
Vikings vs. Cardinals
A small bird vs. one of the most fierce fighters in the history of fighting? Yeah, this one isn't close. The Vikings would DESTROY the bright red bird. You could have 1,000 cardinals, and it still wouldn't be close. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but the Vikings might just have what it takes to win this whole thing.
Lions vs. Buccaneers
This is the type of matchup we've been waiting for. This is why the tournament exists. Lions are big, bad, and can fight like nobody's business, but Buccaneers are ruthless, savage, and are used to fighting for things such as booty (treasure). Initially, you go, "The buccaneer could just shoot the lions." But imagine that lion is charging towards him at top speeds and jumps on top of him? Then what? Could the buccaneer wrestle him off? As close as this competition is, there is one factor that, in my opinion, gives an upper hand. Male lions are lazy. The females do everything for them. The logo of the Lions is a male lion which means we have to assume a male is fighting, and if he loses interest for even a second, the Bucc wins. The buccaneers move forward.
Commanders vs. Titans:
Come on... is this even a discussion? I love America, and I have the utmost faith in our commanders, but if one of them was facing a titan I would sell my house and everything I own and put all my money on the titan. If that titan is anything like the titans from Disney's Hercules, that commander has BIG problems.
Titans move on.
Bengals vs. Colts:
Another matchup where, unless you're out of your mind, the outcome is obvious. As majestic as a colt running through the open plains may be, a bengal would kill it in two seconds. One claw to the throat, and that pony is done. Bengals move forward.
Bills vs. Bears:
A bill vs. a bear would be a show. I give the first round to the bill simply because he would come in charging and knock the bear out of his socks. Unfortunately for the bill, it goes downhill quickly from there. Once the bill comes into close contact with the bear, it's over. Bears are arguably the best pure athlete on this list, and I could see them making a real run here. So while the Bills might initially put up a good fight, I have the bears being able to finish the job. Bears move on.
Jaguars vs. Steelers:
This is one of the few matchups between a human and an animal where I don't think the human has the upper hand. Although everything I've heard about Pittsburgh steel workers indicates they are tough suns of guns, Jaguars are quick, violent, and not exhausted from sitting in fumes all day. Jaguars beat the Steelers in a match that probably should have been closer but was not.
Giants vs. Browns:
Giants move on.
49ers vs. Falcons:
Let's be honest, every single bird in this competition is at a disadvantage. All of them. Even though falcons are one of the tougher birds, a 49er would smoke a bird. Falcons were probably lunch in between finding 5lb nuggets of gold. In fairness to the falcons, I'd put the 49ers of a lot of mascots. 49ers move on.
Chiefs vs. Broncos:
Historically, native American Chiefs were selected for their experience hunting and in battle, which means these are not the types of people you want to get into a fight with. Many pictures depict them as old, but I don't think that means they're fragile. Out of all the matchups, I feel like this one has probably happened, and I can't imagine it went well for the bronco.
Packers vs. Seahawks:
A meat packer vs. a bird. This is an easy one. As much as I want the birds in this tournament to rise to the challenge and create some upsets, at the end of the day, they're pretty useless. The packers move on.
Dolphins vs. Panthers
On the surface, this one is tricky. My initial thought was, "Well, if it's in the ocean, the dolphin wins, and if it's on land, the panther wins." But the more I think about it, the worse I feel. Because as much as I wanted a dolphin upset, even in the ocean, a panther would win. I mean, dolphins are intelligent, but they have no offensive weapons... none compared to the panther at least.
Cowboys vs. Rams
I know rams are capable of fighting, they have horns for a reason, but cowboys make their living corralling animals. This would be light work. Cowboys move on easily.
Round one is complete. There weren't really any upsets so far, but I expect that to change. We've eliminated the weak, and now we have a list stacked with fighting machines (aside from the Ravens and Seahawks, who moved on with no contest). Let the real games begin.
Sweet 16:
Texans vs. Patriots.
The battle for America. One of the most American matchups you could ever create. While the Texans have a broader set of skills and, on paper, are probably slightly favorited, the Patriots have that "let's start a country" drive. There are a lot of mascots the Texans could have beaten. And maybe on the right day, they could even beat the Patriots. But when you have two teams with similar skill sets, I look at which team has more heart. That's why I have the Patriots moving forward.
Chargers vs Ravens:
If the raiders couldn't beat electricity, then there is no way a bird, that is only in the second round because of the passiveness of the Saints, can. I'm not 100% sure who can figure out a way to beat literal electricity, but a raven can not. The Cinderella story is over. Chargers move on.
Vikings vs. Buccaneers:
This is why we do this. These are the matchups we want. These are the matchups we need. Two people who pillage, kill, and ruthlessly rule the seas. Both are tough. Both know how to fight. Most would say the buccaneer has the upper hand simply because they carry a pistol, but I don't think that tells the whole story. Pirates have some off-the-field distractions that might prove to be costly... Women and alcohol. While pirates are busy going crazy, Vikings are training for battle. Give me Vikings in the upset.
Titans vs. Bengals
The only person I know who has ever beaten a titan was Hercules. I'm not saying he's the only person who can beat one, but a Bengal tiger is nowhere near the level of Hercules. I think the Bengals could have gone far if they got a favorable slate of games, but seeing as that was not the case, their journey ends here. Titans move on in an upset.
Bears vs. Jaguars.
This is an any given Sunday type of matchup. Both mascots are explosive and offensively gifted. The jaguar has a little more speed, but the bear makes up for it with his versatility. As close as this matchup is, the difference maker is the bear's defense. He can get up on two legs, grab the jaguar and hold him down, rendering the jag's offensive skillset useless. So as close as this matchup is, the Bears move on.
Giants vs. 49ers
There are a lot of depictions of giants—the green giant, the one up the beanstalk, Andre. Obviously, we didn't have to answer what a New York giant looks like because it was going against a brown helmet. Giant always wins. But now that it's going against such a formidable foe, we have to answer the question. We will go with Jack and the Beanstalk giant because that's the most generic. Although this battle is filled with bloodshed, the winner, by an upset, is the 49er. It's a real David and Goliath story. The giant moves slowly and is not the smartest, while the 49er, used to defending his gold, shoots the giant in the eye. Game over, the 49ers move on.
Chiefs vs. Packers
I don't know much about meat packers. But I know a lot about chiefs. And one thing I know is you want to avoid facing a chief in battle. I'm sure meatpackers are tough, but there's no way they know how to fight, not like a chief anyway. The chiefs move on.
Panthers vs. Cowboys
Usually, cowboys handily win matchups against animals. But those animals are cows and horses. Going up against a panther is a different story. While I think the cowboy wins 9/10 times against a panther, all it takes is that one time. The cowboy misses his shot, the panther charges, strikes, and BAM. The cowboy is on the ground; his gun is knocked out of his hands. The panther is clawing at the cowboys face... the cowboy tries to fight back... he gives one last ditch effort... it's not enough. The panther finishes the cowboy and moves on.
And that concludes an exciting round of matchups. As good as those battles were, I have a feeling it's only going to get crazier from here. Round of 8, here we come.
Quarterfinal:
Patriots vs. Actual Electricity
A patriot would know nothing of electricity... except for one... Benjamin Franklin. Unfortunately for the Patriots, the inventor of electricity is not an asset during this fight because there are no swapping fighters. You get one and one only. As exciting as that would have been, and we all know who would have won, the electric charge beats the patriot who doesn't know how to tame it. Chargers move on.
Vikings vs. Titans
The one opponent every mascot has feared is the titan. I mean, they are ridiculously overpowered. Although I like to think the viking is in touch with some mystical power, I don't think that's going to be enough to defeat a titan. The more I think about it, the more I doubt any mascot will be able to take down a titan. The Vikings have had a great tournament so far, and they 100% deserve to be here, but the titans take this match easily.
Bears vs. 49ers
Whenever you have a matchup that could have actually happened in real life, you get excited. The scorecard is pretty even on this one. I have no doubt both parties have killed their fair share of the other. There are two ways I see this fight playing out. Scenario one, the bear charges, and the 49er hits a perfect shot to the head, slowing it down, and then he finishes the job with another few rounds. In scenario two, the bear charges, and the 49er shoots, but the bear being massive, absorbs the bullet and keeps going. Before the 49er can get enough shots into the bear, the bear rips him into pieces. This matchup has forced me to dig deep, to really evaluate both sides. And after a significant amount of pondering and simulating, the difference maker is a gun. I trust a gun more times than not. So I'm taking the 49ers in the closest matchup we've seen yet.
Chiefs vs. Panthers
This is a beautiful recreation of a battle that once existed, a chief versus the now-extinct Carolina panther. These two, in my mind at least, know each other so well they're almost friends. One shoots an arrow, the other leaps away, and the two make eye contact and give each other a little smirk saying, "good to see you, old friend." But in the end, mother nature falls to the wit of man. And as the last Carolina panther takes its final breaths, the chief comforts it, saying, "Until next time." Chiefs move on.
Thirty-two teams entered the tournament. Through blood, sweat, and tears, we've narrowed it down to four. One of these four teams will be crowned champion.
Semi-final:
Chargers vs. Titans
Both teams have been virtually unstoppable. An unstoppable force versus an immovable object. Who would win? To find my answer, I dug deep. I researched greek mythology. And what I found is the titans ruled the earth until Zeus dethroned them. How did Zeus unseat him? With his lightning bolt. That's right, in greek mythology rock, paper, scissors, lighting bolt beats titan. We have no choice but to move on the chargers.
49ers vs. Chiefs
As much as I love our chief friend, the 49er is wild, tough, and has a gun. What we have learned in this tournament is that nine times out of ten, gun beats no gun. The 49ers move on, but I think we need to give a moment of appreciation to the Chiefs, who fought such a great tournament.
Moving on to the finals...
Championship:
Chargers vs. 49ers
After 30 matches, we reached the final. This is where one mascot will be crowned the strongest and most powerful mascot in the game. Each team faced some worthy adversaries, but against every obstacle that came their way, they managed to rise to the occasion. The chargers were flashy, bright, and explosive, while the 49ers were a more gritty and raw talented team. And as good as both of these teams are, there is one element that is going to make a play, the like of which we haven't seen the whole tournament... gold. Gold is a conductor of electricity. Do you know who has a lot of gold? 49ers. In a shocking turn of events, the 49ers are able to defeat electricity with a part of their tool belt they have not needed to use all tournament. Ladies and gentlemen, the 2022 mascot champion is the 49ers.
What an exciting ride.
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